Beam Me Up, Barkeep

Intro
(Slow, deliberate acoustic guitar riff with a low bass thrum)
​[Verse 1]
Watched the evening news just long enough to scream
Seems common sense has vanished like a waking dream
Folks arguing 'bout nothin' till their faces turn blue
If I had a brick for every dummy, I'd build a house for two
So I'm sitting on the tailgate with a cup of black pot
Waiting on a flying saucer to forget what I forgot
​[Chorus]
Oh, beam me up, Barkeep, or whoever's at the helm
Get me off this loud and overcomplicated realm
I don't need a golden palace or a fancy view
Just take me to a planet where they got a clue
Yeah, drop me on a rock where the logic's still alive
'Cause down here on the third one, it's a struggle to survive
​[Verse 2]
Looked up at the cosmos, counted every single star
Wondering if the neighbors got a decent neighborhood bar
Do they use their blinkers? Do they listen when you talk?
Or do they spend their lifetime arguing about a sidewalk?
I’ll pack a single duffel, leave the headache on the lawn
If a green man rolls a beam down, boys, consider me gone
​[Chorus]
Oh, beam me up, Barkeep, or whoever's at the helm
Get me off this loud and overcomplicated realm
I don't need a golden palace or a fancy view
Just take me to a planet where they got a clue
Yeah, drop me on a rock where the logic's still alive
'Cause down here on the third one, it's a struggle to survive
​[Bridge]
Now I ain't asking much from the universe tonight
Just a little bit of quiet and a spark of guiding light
If there's intelligent existence somewhere out in space
You can tell 'em Randy's ready to abandon this damn place
​[Guitar Solo]
(Bluesy pedal steel and acoustic guitar trade-off)
​[Chorus]
Oh, beam me up, Barkeep, or whoever's at the helm
Get me off this loud and overcomplicated realm
I don't need a golden palace or a fancy view
Just take me to a planet where they got a clue
Yeah, drop me on a rock where the logic's still alive
'Cause down here on the third one, it's a struggle to survive
​[Outro]
Yeah, flash those green lights down...
Any galaxy will do.
Just check my baggage at the airlock.
(A final, dry acoustic chord fades out)