Monsters Group Session

Intro
(Creaky floorboards, a slow detuned piano chord, single cough)
(Spoken word - monotone therapy voice)
"Alright everyone, settle down. Welcome to group session forty-two.
Pass the coffee, watch the claws... and let's try not to bite each other today."
(Upbeat, swingin' minor-key brass and drums kick in)
​[Verse 1]
I’ve been haunting the manor on Elm tree lane
For three hundred years, but it’s driving me insane!
I tried to rattle chains in the middle of the night,
To give the brand new tenants a terrifying fright!
But the guy just groaned, turned around in bed,
And bought a smart humidifier for my spectral head!
They’ve got motion-sensor lights, automatic doors—
I can’t even creak the rotting wooden floors!
​[Chorus]
Welcome to the Monster Support Group!
We’re all in a rut and we’re stuck in a loop!
Modern life is scarier than anything we do,
It’s a graveyard shift for the monster crew!
Raise your coffee mugs, give a howl, give a hoot,
At the midnight Monster Support Group!
​[Verse 2]
(Fast tempo swing)
Count Dracula stepped up, looking pale and grim,
Said the digital age was the ruin of him.
"I used to bite necks in the fog and the damp,
Now everybody’s wearing an LED headlamp!
I tried to dodge garlic, but it’s all organic,
Every diet on the block sends my fangs into panic!
And don’t start on blood drives—the line’s around the door,
Plus the insurance paperwork is a terrible chore!"
​[Chorus]
Welcome to the Monster Support Group!
We’re all in a rut and we’re stuck in a loop!
Modern life is scarier than anything we do,
It’s a graveyard shift for the monster crew!
Raise your coffee mugs, give a howl, give a hoot,
At the midnight Monster Support Group!
​[Bridge]
(Tempo slows down, eerie theremin and bass line)
The Mummy raised a hand, completely wrapped in tape,
"I walked onto a treadmill just to make my big escape!
It caught a loose string, spun me 'round on the track,
Now I’m just a naked skeleton with a terrible back!"
The Wolfman sighed, "Don't get me started on fleas,
Or my neighbors reporting all my full-moon shed-ding ease!"
​[Guitar / Horn Solo]
(Energetic, brass-heavy 8-bar solo with creepy piano fills)
​[Verse 3]
So we circle up the chairs, pass the pumpkin pie,
Even scary legendary creatures need to cry!
It’s tough being terrifying when the world is strange,
And nobody's afraid of a little climate change!
​[Chorus]
Welcome to the Monster Support Group!
We’re all in a rut and we’re stuck in a loop!
Modern life is scarier than anything we do,
It’s a graveyard shift for the monster crew!
Raise your coffee mugs, give a howl, give a hoot,
At the midnight Monster Support Group!
​[Outro]
(Music slows to a bouncy swing cadence)
"Same time next Tuesday?"
(Group consensus in unison: "Ghoul!")
Watch out for the smart lights!
Don't slip on the Mummy's tape!
(Final big brass hit with a ghostly theremin slide)
(Spooky laugh into fade out)